An Old Woman Is Riding In An Elevator
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New
York City Building, When a young and beautiful woman gets
into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns
to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph
Lauren, $150 an ounce! “ Then another young and beautiful
woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns
to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her
destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she
leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then
bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli. 49 cents a
pound!”
Doctor I Have An Embarrassing s3xual Problem
A man says to his doctor “Doctor, I have an embarrassing
s3xual problem” The doctor says “Tell me about your s3x
life, “The man says “Well, first thing in the morning,
the wife and I have a quick ‘morning glory’. Then I go
to work and about eleven o’clock my secretary gives me a
BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over
the kitchen table, then after work I go to see my mistress
from five until seven. Then after dinner my wife and I
generally hit the bed early for a serious session, sometimes
two or three.” “I see,” says the doctor, “and what
seems to be the problem?” “Well,” says the patient,
“it hurts when I m*sturbte.”
Manager Hired A New Secretary
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and
polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly
was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said,
“Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened
to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to
have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he
asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks
door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing
at attention?” The secretary, who was quite witty,
replied, “Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled
veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”
4th Grade Boys Discuss How To Get A Girl
Five 4th grade boys in a typical bathroom discussion during
recess were discussing how to get a girl. It was nearly
unanimous that girls were easy to get by guys with a perfect
p3nis. None of the boys seemed to know what the perfect
p3nis was though. Jimmy stayed on the periphery listening
and not talking. That night after dinner Jimmy asked dad if
they could talk. In private he tells his dad of the bathroom
discussion and asks his dad, what is the perfect p3nis. Dad
being quite confident opens his fly, displays his p3nis
across his hand, and tells Jimmy this is the perfect p3nis.
The next day when Jimmy and the other boys are in the
bathroom during recess, the how to get a girl discussion
comes up and returns to the perfect p3nis conclusion. This
time Jimmy, armed with new knowledge, steps forward and says
I know what the perfect p3nis is. The other boys impressed
by Jimmy’s announcement eagerly encourage him to share
this key information. To which, Jimmy pulls down his zipper,
lays his p3nis across the palm of his hand, and announces,
see this, 3 inches shorter it would be the perfect p3nis.
A Gynecologist Notices That a New Patient is Nervous
A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While
putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how
they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor
says, “There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that
people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let
them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.
The doctor says, “What’s so funny?” She says, “I’m
imagining how they make cond0ms.”
A Man is in a Hotel Lobby
A man is in a hotel lobby He wants to ask the clerk a
question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite starled.
The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is
as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me”. She
replies, “if your p3nis is as hard as your elbow, im in
room 436
A Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?”
he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s
dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,… “Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no
clothes on!” The guy slams the phone down and storms
upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips
open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother,
totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten
mongrel,” says the husband,… “My wife’s having a
heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the
kids!”
A Lady Walks Into A Dancy Jewelry Store
A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently
breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to
see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that
a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns
around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and
displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the
lady with, “Good day, Madam How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not
have been there at the time of her little “accident!”
she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely
bracelet?” He answers, “Madam, if you farted just
looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the
price.”
An Elderly Man Came Into A Shop
An elderly man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’
sign in a window. He went up to the owner & said,
“I-I-I w-w-wanna-t the j-joooob-b.” “I don’t know if
this job would suit you because of your speaking
impediment,” said the owner. “I h-h-havvve a
w-wi-wiiiife & s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really
neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man. “O.K. Here
are three Bibles. Go out & sell them.” said the owner.
So the man went out & came back an hour later.
“H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the elderly man. The
owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles
& sent him out. The man came back in two hours &
said, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.” The owner said,
“This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours
than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to
the people when they come to the door?” “W-welllll,”
said the old man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and
s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want
t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you
w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?
Timmy Wanted To Sleep With His Parents
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad
said don’t look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said
“What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s
Mr.wiggles”. Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said
“that’s my garden”. Timmy’s mom said don’t look
up. Timmy looked up. Timmy said “What are those?”. T
timmy’s mom said those are her headlights. Timmy wanted to
sleep with his parents. His parents said don’t look under
the covers. Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled
“MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN
ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.